Eff

Well, Its not really getting any better, any easier. My thoughts are suffocated with memories of my dad. I wake up in the middle of the night to feed Vivienne and as I walk down the stairs I am always looking for him. Sitting on my couch, in the kitchen, anywhere. And I get scared if he is not there.
 Will this pit in my stomach ever get more bearable? Will the nervous feeling that I am missing something ever lessen? I don't want him to be missing this life here. I want him back.
I have been told over and over I need to write. Write about how I'm feeling. But really it is a lot of questions, not feelings. You want something, someone so bad and there is nothing you can do about it. Its so so frustrating. I can't just run into him. I can't call him and hear his voice. Well, I have his voicemail recorded and I listen to that a lot. I don't want Vea to forget him and I know she will.
I went and edged his headstone and just that smell of fresh cut grass made me smile with the thoughts of him. Weird thing, I am always seeing his hands when I think about him. He would come home and go to the kitchen sink and wash his hands. The smell of asphalt and smoke as he walked past. I miss my dad. I hurt for my dad. I am dreading the thoughts of the holidays to come up. I should of went over to my mom and dads the night before. I even drove by it and I thought to myself  No I don't want to bug them. I could of saw him one last time. I am full of regrets. I am so sad. I know I will never be the same person. Should I even be writing this down? Do I want to remember how i'm feeling? No one said that it would be this hard. I keep repeating in my head God will only give you as much as you can handle. This is definately a lot. I just want my dad back. Even for one more day to tell him how much I love him, how much I appreciated him, how much I looked up to him. I miss you dad.